I call it Thoma-Drama. It is a certain flavor of drama, and it results from one in which I care about a great deal. I really wished I just didn't care though.
I remember when I was married to husband #2, I remember being really upset when he told me something, a really sad fact. The fact was that he married me, in 'hopes' to change himself. In a way he used me. He used me to stop being a drug addict, to be a more well-rounded person, to get his life more put together. He thought that marrying me and moving in with me would have been such a drastic change that it would shock his system into a major change. The problem was that everywhere he went, there he was. And he only took me down with him. You can't change external circumstances in your life in hopes that it will change who you are on a core level on the inside. It doesn't work, and I have a divorce to prove that one. I would love to say that I am a much better person for going through that entire ordeal, but I guess I just don't believe that I am. I think that I am a much more cynical person and a little sad for having experienced it. I don't know if that will ever change or not. I hope so. One thing that I am really clear about though, is that relying on other to change you and blaming others because you can't change is just a cop-out and a way of being immature and refusing to see your own shit. Wake up people, own your own crap. <insanity rant> You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake, you are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. you are not your fucking khakis! you have to give you, you have to realize that someday you will die. Deliver me some Swedish furniture! </insanity rant>
I have come to realize that people don't really stick around very much here in the summer time. I kind of feel like all the people that went to some colder more northern place are a little wussy (personally). But I will be here all summer and sleeping outside whenever possible. It is my new favorite thing to do. I slept outside on a hammock last night, and it was really nice. I just don't really see the purpose of sleeping indoors when you live in such a perfect place. It doesn't really make much sense. Anyway, I got a job working with a really good friend of mine, and I like it, I will be editing a pretty well-known book in my world and my name will be in the credits, which I think is pretty cool. Every year they put out a new book that is a catalog for meteorites, and I will be working on the '08 catalog. Also, I have been making some more really awesome jewelry lately, and I got a pretty popular company and website to carry my line. That is really exciting. I will get some new pictures up soon. Life, well life is just strange, and filled with unnecessary drama. I have made the conscious choice to step out of it, and occupy my life with other more productive and healthy activities. Anybody need new friends? I am taking applications. Ha
Current Mood: okay Current Music: Bone-Thugs in Harmony
Well, I went to Phoenix, yesterday, by myself, for the first time. Strangely enough, I assumed that it would be a wee bit colder there than Tucson (so I dressed according to that logic). The reason that is funny is because it is about 10 degrees warmer there, and I used my car air conditioner for the first time ever! I was pretty hot. Anyway, my doctor's appointment was great, he was a fucking genius, and was way compassionate and amazing. He is aggressive in finding out what is going on, (which I admire).
He ordered a whopping total of 23 blood tests, to test for all types of hereditary blood clotting disorders. And he also scheduled me to have a trans esophageal echocardiography test done which will test me for a patent foramen ovale, and basically all that means is that they are going to stick an entire fucking ultrasound machine down my throat an probably most certainly make me puke. But, such is life. I must say, I am pretty excited that I could have a hole in my heart. But I am trying to not get too excited, I wouldn't want to be too crushed if I actually have a completely normal heart :<( Anyway, he also prescribed me this weird stuff that is a concentrated form of lidocane that you actually snort up your nose. And I must say the idea of my entire face going numb is quite exciting, I hope it works. I had to go to a special pharmacy to have it compounded from scratch. That was pretty cool. There was a ridiculously amazing Salt-water aquarium at the compounding pharmacy, and I swear it was teaming with so much life it was a bit mind-blowing. The employees of the pharmacy said that everytime they look into it they notice something new.
On the employment front, I am probably going to work as a professional clown and professional princess, (no this is not a joke, it is real) and I think that would be quite fun.
I also found a store here in Tucson today that is interested in carrying a line of my jewelry. YEA! That made me very happy. It is pretty funny how it turned out, it was a bead store near my house, and I went in there to ask if they were hiring, and they said they weren't (but I was wearing a necklace that I had made) and then the woman (who was the owner) said, 'did you make that?' and I said, yes, and she said 'well I would be very interested in carrying a line of your jewelry here in my store', I must say, I couldn't be happier about the whole situation!
I also am happy because I am getting quite the Tucson suntan, and if I dare say, the desert looks good on me! My wonderful and sexy friend Stephie and I went swimming over at my friend Chris' house, and I got a little sun, and it looks pretty nice! But that is nothing compared to how amazing this coming weekend is going to be (and how much of a tan I will get then)! Oh My! I SOOOO can't wait. My amazing friend Chad and I are going to Toast, and we will be gone all weekend. We will (hopefully) be getting ourselves into all sorts of trouble and not wearing clothes at the same time (ok, not what you are thinking). I have heard to expect the most eccentric people around, and that makes me happy. It was sort of a mistake that I am even getting to go, but I am really happy it all worked out that way, because I would never be able to justify taking a trip under my financial situation right now, but it just so happens that this is perfect for all involved. It was meant to be this way.
And the bad news, in Phoenix I had a pretty unfortunate incident that left me with a broken toe:<(
It hurts pretty bad, but I guess that is expected when you drop a very heavy metal chair on such a tiny body part.
Anyway, I was over at Chris' house tonight, and I was explaining to him that it really only hurt when it bent, but even when it bent slightly, which is all the time really. So, he came up with the genius idea of using a broken bit of a plastic knife to splint it and tape it to the next toe. And it has felt better ever since the 'buddy system' was put into place. I hope it feels better before this weekend, I would not want it to get in the way of my naked, tripped-out, Utopian, artistically whimsical fun in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of hippies, that would just be sad.
Ooooh, I can't wait......
Photo of broken Toe pre-implementaion of the 'buddy system'
And after the wonderful system was put into place:
4/24/07 Elliott's Ritual I need to let you go. I will miss you. You came out of nowhere with Thomas. I was really unconscious when I was with him. I was not until he left and I tried figuring out why it hurt so much that I realized it was your essence appearing through him. I NEVER felt you. I really hate the universe because of that. I stopped believing in everything except myself. I lost all faith in everything. I am sorry that I took your death and did that with it. I always wanted to do something good with it, something better. I was so mad that I never felt you, So mad and so sad. I have been feeling sorry for myself for about 11 years now. That is a long time to believe the universe is meaningless. We are all going to die, big deal, I am not trying to be a drama queen about it. But when you left you were my world. You were the only thing in the world that made me believe that I was worth a damn. I hated my world so much before I met you. You made me believe in me. I didn't get enough of you. You introduced all these new concepts to be and then you left; you just left. just like your tombstone says, your life was like a bubble that just burst, it just burst. Fuck you for that! Why? All I want to do is believe in something. Anything. I was lost without you! I just don't understand why it was so soon. Forgive me for being selfish with you, But where the hell else could you have been possibly needed more? Where? really? I can't believe you never knew how much I needed you. What an unconscious kid I was; I was so young. Was Thomas supposed to mean something? what? was there a sign? did I miss it? I want to open up and clear it all away. The Alabama trip is going to be very hard for me. I am going to see your tombstone. Matt and I are going to spend the night in the graveyard and think about you while we lay by your grave and watch shooting stars. Of course, we also planned a ritualistic jump off the bridge (that probably would drive you crazy), it will be hard for me. you left around my birthday, and I will be there that exact week, my birthday, ugh, what a shit time. I started being depressed when I moved to Seattle, and here, I almost feeling because in both of those places I had no ties to you. There was not a situation where I can figure a way to gather my strength. I feel like I lose my strength when I get too far away from you. In Colorado, your ashes were there, you were there in a way, your family was there too. Also since you spent all of your summer's there, I could drive to the top of the Flatirons when I was in college and having a hard time, and I could look down at the city, or look up at those mountains and I would think , 'well Elliott actually derived strength from looking at this exact same mountain range' and that would make me feel connected to you in a way. Now- I am really disconnected. and that hurts. It is really difficult to be disconnected. I am just floating around without any kind of anchor right now. I am having a really hard time finding my own. How does one find their own? I am getting so old to not even know who I am. All I knew is that I was so perfect in your eyes, even when I was a mess in my own. Everything changes. Part of my life is dead and in the ground with you. I think this love is killing me and I want it to be over. SO BAD. I want to let it out. I want to start over.
Thomas, you could not have possibly broken my heart because it was not whole to begin with. I should have known. I should have been aware and been able to tell you. I am sorry I didn't and wasn't. You have good intuition when it comes to authenticity. you knew something wasn't right, you just didn't know what.
Elliott, Because of you I tried my hardest to forget and not let anyone else in, and because of you I am really afraid. I am afraid of dying, others dying, loving, losing, hurting, feeling and even not feeling. I fear that I will not be able to pass it on, to positively influence someone's life as much as you affected mine. If I can't do that, than I feel like your death meant nothing, nothing good came out of it. I always felt like I had to do something extraordinary with it to counteract how Matt became a heroine addict for 10 years, because he felt guilty for not saving you. If I could turn back time, I would ask you before you left what I should do to pass it on and how. If you had showed me that there truly WAS life after death, I would have just killed myself to be with you before now. Now, I would stay on this earth though. Maybe this is why I have never felt you. Maybe you knew I would have just checked out early if I had some verification. For so long all I knew of what was 'home' was you. Even when you died, where we scattered your ashes was 'home'. Now I am trying to make a 'home' without you, and I am ready. But I don't know how. Colorado still feels like home because I sort of 'feel' you there. I can go and eat at the ice cream shoppe that I know you worked at one summer. I know you looked out over the same mountains to contemplate you life too. I don't know how to do this Elliott. All I am sure about, in moving forward, is that I am ready. And the only clarity I have are a few things, and vague as they are they are all I have now. 1.have a practice, yoga or dance or meditation or something. 2.be kind to animals 3.stick up for myself 4.embrace frailty 5.enjoy the moment 6.breathe deep 7.de-construct illusions 8.enjoy silence 9.let go, of you and of all 10.remember my divinity 11.enjoy my clarity (even when it is really painful) 12.never forget but try not to be angry I miss you god dammnit! What the fuck was I supposed to make of all this?
The first Democratic Debate was on today on MSNBC and I watched all 90 minutes of it, and while it is ABSOLUTELY the last thing that I WANT to blog about, I need to, because it will be a great distraction to what I WANT to blog about, but just shouldn't! But I digress, I will tell you my first 90 minute impressions of each of the Democratic candidates.
Hillary- I feel like she is a health care genius. She is very articulate, she never stumbled around with her answers and she stated everything really clearly. She made some really great points about immigration, she talked about fining employers. I feel that overall she is very passionate, and she really CARES about the middle class (you know that class that is getting more poor every second).
Barack - Alright, my first impression was that his speech was hesitant and a bit clumsy, I felt like he umm, hmmm, alot. Strangely enough I sensed some vague sexism from him when he was discussing Roe V. Wade, and again he made some comment about his wife, (can't remember). I felt like his inexperience was really showing through.
Bill Richardson - Gun owner, NRA member, and the NRA has come forward and said that they are supporting him for president. I felt like he had really great ideas for immigration, I think this is because he is a Border state, like me, Also, he wants to make a Democratic Cuba, and I have heard that he is good with international relations. I felt like he had really nervous hand gestures though.
Biden- YAWN , spoke in such generality about everything. every answer was a ridiculous broad statement with a lot of words and not much being said.
Kucinich - I love this guy, he said that he bought his house for $22,500, just to state that he has a vested interest in middle class, because he feels like he belongs there. I (personally) wish him and Hillary would pair up, but realize it is unlikely. I am confident that he would get us out of this fucked up war the soonest. He is very compassionate, but on a negative side, I feel like he is a bit of a dreamer and big talker, without a lot of realism.
Gravel - Old, out of touch with this generation of people. This guy sort of stressed me out when I was watching him, I think his veins were popping out on his forehead and his neck. I think he has a temper. He is obviously very passionate about what he talks about and he is the most Left , more left that Kucinich . but I sort of worry that he may injure small kittens.
Edwards - Very articulate, pretty religious for my taste. I feel like he is probably a feminist, and I think and predict that him and Hillary will hook up. I feel like they are the most middle of the road candidates, not too far one way or the other.
Dodd- old, YAWN , although he said some great stuff about gay rights, Yea for the gays!
Good Stuff taken away from a painful experience: 1.I remembered that there was some degree of meaning in this f**ed up world. 2.Tool is a really great band to listen to when going through emotional turmoil. 3.Sheets can both be slept on and slept under! (who knew?) 4.Try not to get involved with people who are really scared and confused. 5. Don't loan out your automatic garage door opener. So far, this is all I can think of, I will add more if they come to me.
This has been a pretty good week, and is to be followed by a pretty good weekend.
First of all I have been awfully successful at staying busy, thanks to my wonderful friends that is.
I have been very disciplined and attended yoga three times this week, and my core is very sore. But I think it is good to have a sore core!
And, thanks to my wonderful friend Chad, I was finally able to quench my Govinda's (a wonderful local vegetarian restaurant) craving yesterday.
Him and I sat outside and watched the two parrots kindly clean each other's feathers for one another. It was very sweet.
I hung out with my new friend Steph as well, which is nice because she just moved here, and when I am with her I feel like we are both in the same boat. We are both new people to this town, so it is good to have at least one person in this world who sort of has an idea of how I feel.
Then, I received a delightful package in the mail today. Around Christmas my ex-best friend/ex-husband were not on speaking terms. (I didn't know this) But he bought me three presents and just kept them. We talked a few times this week and I told him that I had been having a bit of a bad week. So he sent them out to me as to cheer me up.
He got me a Love Goddess pendant, a Moon Goddess pendant and a sterling silver bracelet that is engraved with "LIVE WELL * LOVE MUCH * LAUGH OFTEN".
I cried when I opened them. I can actually see myself being friends with him in the future and that is healthy.
Today I was very successful with working on my house and gardening, and I was a little disappointed that I was not able to go to drum class and see my friends, when my friend Chris (from my drum class) called and asked if he could drop by.
I love unexpected guests. It is like someone has just called and said to you 'hey I am here and I have brought myself to you as a surprise, enjoy the gift of me!'. I love that!
We hung out until midnight, he was punchy and a bit silly, and it was fun. He makes me giggle, and laughter is good for my soul.
So tomorrow, my friends Ashley, James, Chris and I are all going to a party to welcome Steph to the wonderful world of Tucson (in my head it is for me too).
It is going to be great, there will be people there playing all sorts of music and dancing, and there will be a bond fire. I am going to meet a guy there as well, sort of a blind date, we'll see. And all I am sure about is that I really want to wear glitter on my face. James and I are going to put on some crazy face paint of some sort.
There should be plenty for me to blog about AFTER Friday, and then Saturday I will be hanging out with Steph again for something called the 'club crawl', which I am still not sure really what that is, but anything with Steph is fun.
The school shooting in Virginia is so sad. It is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. I was in Colorado at the time of Columbine, about 25 miles away, and I remember how much that effected me. I was pretty young (just out of high school) I remember going to Littleton the very next day and taking some flowers to the school. I remember seeing every famous news reporter there. I also remember the TIME photographer sticking a telephoto lens 4 inches from my face when I was crying. The whole thing is just very heart breaking and incredibly sad. When I went to the University of Colorado they brought counselors for us to talk to, and they also had therapists come and basically talk to all of us in a conference style. It was really good for us. We were young and pretty scared then. I also remember about 1 year later one of those therapists coming back to our University and talking to us about how people 'crack' and what makes people reach their breaking point. It was interesting because he explained to us that those two guys were really beaten up and abused by the 'popular' kids and there were several times when they were being treated like this in front of teachers and coaches. After the Columbine incident these teachers and coaches basically stated that they let the abuse go on right under their noses and did not do much about it (mainly because they just didn't take the whole thing that seriously). And in a way I can relate to the Columbine kids, (the one's that killed), because it is bad enough to suffer through abuse, that is enough to make someone nuts. But I think it is MUCH worse when there are people around DURING the abuse that have the POWER to stop it, and just don't. This is the best way to make somebody feel really reallyinvisible. And while there are several ways to deal with the feeling of invisibility, one of them is definitely to do something to make yourself very visible, (ie, go postal). It is just so painful to be invisible, and people in this world are going on and on about 'how do you predict this'? 'how can we avoid this in the future?', Hey, here is an idea, stop being so oblivious with the feelings and emotions of the people around you. Start trying to tune into people and *see* what is really going on with them. I remember watching a documentary about the only person that survived a fall from the Golden Gate Bridge. He said that he was so depressed, and all he could think about was how he had to end it all, and his eyes were totally filled with tears and right as he was about to jump, and random couple in love that were tourists asked him if he could take a photo of the two of them together on the bridge. He said they didn't even notice that he was crying, and so he took the photo, then jumped. Try to tune into the people in your life and *see* what feelings and emotions they are dealing with, and see if you can be of help. Stop being an oblivious American.
Oh My, I am entirely too ADD to actually rent a house. Sometime I really worry about myself. I would just die if my landlord ever read this. Last night I was in the mood for a Pizza at about 7:00pm and while I was waiting for the oven to pre-heat, my friend Steph called and invited me over, and then I called my friend Chad and he got me all excited. So excited by the idea of hanging out with him and Steph, that not only did I completely forget the oven (it was on 450degrees for about hours), I forgot to even eat dinner until much later. Basically I came home about 1:00 am to a particularly foul smell in my house, to realize that there was a plastic plate on my stove that had melted and was releasing a strange variety of noxious chemicals into the air of my house. Oh Wow, not good... not good at all. Goal 1. Must become more grounded!